I’ve been struggling over the last couple of day to get myself out of a mental funk. I’ve tried to stay busy. You know, hoping to keep myself distracted long enough for the fog to dissipate over me. But it’s just not working. The harder I try to keep myself occupied the more I notice the disconnect that I’m generally feeling. So after a few lame attempts at getting on with business I just find it less taxing not to do anything. I’m just gonna let time pass me by until this feeling has decided that its had its fill fucking with me.
On Tuesday I almost wound-up experiencing a full-blown anxiety attack on two separate occasions. Both times I felt as if someone had their arms wrapped around me and started squeezing slowly but surely. If I concentrated on the feeling long enough I would start feeling the room begin to spin just a bit. But instead of panicking like I have on so many other occasions, this time I just kept breathing, and went downstairs to play some video games. And if at any point the thought of dread crept in, wondering if perhaps this was a heart attack or some other malady that was striking me, I just repeated softly in my head “So What? What does it matter?” And just like that, on both occasions the anxiety just moved on.
I guess that after several years of dealing with anxiety I’m finally beginning to figure out that putting up a struggle, or fighting it is rather pointless. If anxiety is our bodies outworldly response to our inner most fears; the fight or flight mechanism run a mock, then the only real way to combat it is to choose neither. Instead of running or fighting, just take a deep breath, and accept whatever imaginary fate our minds are conjuring up, by simply saying “So what?” I guess when we give up the struggle, and we no longer are fearful of our impending doom, fear can no longer hold sway over us. We’re left with nothing to feel anxious about.
It’s odd, but I wouldn’t say I feel sad; even though most people I think might be inclined to describe it as such. What I sense is more like a numbness. It’s a lack of emotional attachment. Funny thing is that this feeling or lack-off it, always seem to come around during my days off from work. I work all these long hours doing something that I can’t say I find totally rewarding, and when the day finally comes for me to enjoy the fruits of my labor, to bask in some much needed time in the sun, the figurative clouds above me are too thick to allow for me to feel the sun’s warmth. It would totally piss me off, If I could manage to get properly angry right now. But I can’t.
I will admit there are a number of things that are going on that are partially the reason why I’m feeling this way. But I rather not get into it right now because I’m not in the mood to write a 4,000 word post.
So yeah, that’s been my week so far in a nutshell. A whole lot of blah with one or two minor victories to keep this week from being a total washout. But on a cool note I did come across this beautiful “Take Away Show” acoustic set by Chelsea Wolfe on La Blogotheque’s Youtube Channel while I was doing some apathetic and mindless web surfing. (Do people still call it web surfing or am I showing my age?) Never heard of this lady before but she does have a heavenly voice. I think you might dig this set as much as I did. Especially if you having an overcast day like I am. Anyway I hope one of you is enjoying themselves out there. Until next time folks. Stay safe, take care, and be sane. Peace!